Saturday, October 22, 2011

Anger Management

Well, we all get angry at some point of time in our life. (Points of life should be more appropriate). Its human tendency and we are bound to give in. Hence making grave mistakes in the process. Whether its shouting back at your boss, at your teacher, at a intellectual bore, at an interesting idiot, at a bomb carrying terrorist who wants a keen ear, a failed writer who wants rave reviews for the piece of crap he has just written and so on and  so forth.
In the end it has all ended up in some pretty bad experiences, like the intellectual bore becoming inspired and winning the nobel, the failed writer going on to become the next Chetan Bhagat by writing some more crap, or the bomber getting five star treatment by being caught after a frustrated massacre.
Well as a low-down no-good advertiser I will give you 5 GREAT ways to control your demons.
1. Whenever you feel angry, start praying to God. Well you might think that this low down no good advertiser is nuts and bolts, but think about it, when you pray, you connect to your inner being, after connecting to your inner being you can say all that cuss words, bad words, swear words to your low down no good inner being and emerge out satisfied. Your inner being is way too "in" and not too good to really have a back lash from that guy. So its a great thing after all.

2. Start hitting the nearest concrete with all the brute force,might,strength you might have. No I am not channelizing your energy to make you the next Rocky Balboa and have six sequels of movies and one great soundtrack. Neither am I making you a structural engineer checking the load that the nearest concrete wall can take. I am telling you this because after you hit the nearest concrete wall with all your might your knuckles will sore, and your fingers will pain, making itching a laborious exercise. After this you might not get angry.

3. Start shouting cuss words, swear words etc. Again I am not here to inspire you to become the protaganist of Delhi Belly or become the hot headed Clint Eastwood. Shouting cuss words, swear words will tell people that you have watched Delhi Belly thrice and are still to recover from its hangover. Now thtat's not good for your rep.

4. Start finding the person who said that counting to 10 controls your anger. Because when you are angry your determination and dedication to doing an activity goes up considerably. And this exercise of finding the person actually can lead you to finding the above mentioned person. And when you do find that person, count to 10 and I am sure your anger will not come down. Then hit him 20 times like a possessed Arnold Schwazwatevernagar and tell him to stop put bullshit ideas into frustrated minds.

5. The fifth, I am now angry writing about anger management. So while I  pray-hit the concrete wall-cuss someone and count 10 .... I need to start controlling my own anger..

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Gadgetry Overload

Sports is one thing that keeps changing with time. No matter what sports you see, overtime it has become faster, quicker and much more watchable. The good old days have gone, the new age style meets substance is in. Take for example football. In the old days it were played on muddy grounds with natural grass, many times which slowed down the ball and during rains slowed down the players. Shots were unpredictable, and many times tricked even the best of the goal-keepers. But overtime if we see all that has changed, with the latest turfs that are smooth as hell it seems players are playing on a giant billiards table rather than a football field. Shots have become faster, with modern technology balls have become lighter and more vicious. Players now can impart hair pin bends,curves, dips to the innocent football. Really its time we called it swerve ball. Also the speed of the game has picked up drastically. Computerized strategies, video tapes have all added to the sharpness of the game played between the posts. 

Likewise if we see all other games have similar conditions. Whether its cricket, a 300 plus score is no longer safe. Quality pieces of willow where even edges can go for a six have murdered the bowlers. With batsmen too being studied through the microscopic lens, it has become imperative for teams to constantly reinvent and innovate style.

However that is not the point of this post. The one thing that has not changed over the years is Test Cricket. Though the pitches have become flatter, more information is available about opposition still the essence of Test Cricket has never changed. You still have to guts it out. Stroke making with bigger bats is no use in the first hour of a decent pitch. This has been reinforced with the ongoing series between England and Sri Lanka. Quality pitches by the English have proven that Sri Lanka which dominated the English in the world cup still doesn't have the technique to hold fort the English bowlers. They had been finished in under 25 overs in the final day and this is the World Cup semi finalist that I am talking about.

Coming back to Test Cricket you see nothing has changed. Fast bowlers are still rare and quality leg spinners rarer. Everybody wants to become the finger spinner who bowls off breaks which do not turn. If we see today the only "Fast" bowler that we have today in Dale Steyn who can really clock it up with deadly swing and accuracy. His post lunch 15 overs to Sachin and Co will be remembered where he was not nearly but completely unplayable. We have few quality off-spinners around like "Harbhajan on a good day where he understands that he is there to bowl and take wickets and not there to do a Yusuf Pathan", Saeed Ajmal a truly world class chucker, whose doosra turns like a leg spin, but his arm is bent over 90 degrees. So that leaves us with only Graeme Swann with his quality thought processed off spin. There is a method to his off spin bowling,something which has been lacking in all his contemporaries. 

Leg spin is dead. And I thank Shane Warne for providing us glimpses of the dying art in the recently concluded IPL. So unless Steve Smith is mutated, I don't think we are going to see leg spin for a long time. 
Special thanks to Daniel Vettori to establish that left arm spin is an art that can trouble even the best and not something to be tonked by coming down the ground.
Thanks again to VVS Laxman to show the world that wrist can also be used to create breathtaking strokes and not just bowl leg breaks.

I think the main reason why Test Cricket has not changed is because it has a great deal of mental aspect to it. Its all in the mind rather than in your technique. Yes you need solid technique to play it but an even better temperament to conquer it. And that sadly is a rarity. Anyone can flay bowlers for two overs on a flat batting track with no nothing. But only a few can stay there under immense pressure on  a cracking wicket, when the lead is more than 500.

The point I want to make is that if people say that cricket might not require a great deal of physical stamina but it does require a mental makeup of that of a chessman.

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Beauty lies…
It lies in the sound of thrash metal, the eeriness of Gothic rock, the clanging of metal heads, the burst of drums, the feast of eardrums.
Lies in the mesemerising Messi, appearing busy,
Lies in Einstein’s grey matter, also in dark matter
The composition of an orchestra,
 The smoke of a Cuban Cigar,
Flicks  through midwicket, swings on  a deadwicket, voice of a buried cricket,
Poetry of Milton, Motion of wordsworth
Clattering keyboards,
Dead ducks,
Highness of royalty, rock bottom poverty,
Greatness achieved, chances missed, success surpassed,
Creative bursts, unleashed Thrusts,
frustrations released, concentrations fixed,
Flight of a bird,
Logic absurd,
Throwing up, getting up, Dusting down, Racing through,
Dreaming on, On Song
Lonely crowds, Blistering sounds, Rabid hounds,
Creeping fears, Nearing shadows,
Longer days, Lengthier nights,
Fighting haze & Dying dazed.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Things great people say

Ever wondered how do great people conduct themselves. By great people I mean not those that are actually great (i.e Sachin, Steve Waugh, Veerappan, Bill Gates, Google guys etc.) I mean those that think they are great. Well if you too want to emulate this kind of greatness, its damn easy. Here are a few tips, tricks, blips, bloopers and blunders which will launch you to the platform of greatness.

Its all about talking the right way, having some weird hand gestures and Boom "You are Great".

Statutory Warning: Before you read this post, I want to assure you that such kind of greatness will only give you limited visibility, cheap publicity, a lot of enemies and a lot of nincompoops who will call themselves your friends. But yes I will also assure you that such greatness will also give immediate attention that your worthless life never had.

Now as I said the key is saying the right words. For example: What is the thing that people today are most afraid of. No not another 9/11, its the STOCK MARKET. Yes the key to all uncertainties is stock market hence also the key to all fears. So how do you use this to your advantage. Well simple when in public say things like

"Hey Reliance showed good movement today"
" Man I just cannot predict where this market is gonna take me"
" I just researched some really good stocks, but they are for a longer term"

If you see the language that I used is very simple. Everyone knows that Reliance is gonna give some movement whether its  upwards or downwards. No bloody nostra dam all of us can predict the stock market. And in the long term every stock does good business.

So by saying all this, shows that you are a real good financial person who knows a lot about markets, movements and research. That's it you have achieved financial greatness!!!

Now lets go to smarter things in life. This can be explained in a much better by a good friend of mine, but anyways I ll try my best. Now we are moving to gadgetry greatness.

Say things like
" Hey Apple launched a new i- " x" . Now this x can be replaced by phone, tank, store, bank, cash, wash, basin or any word that you can catch hold on. It is on a launching spree. They are trying to emulate the US Defence forces which launches rockets, wars, biological weapons, videos on youtube etc.

Or you can say "Heard that Java is updating its software" Again Java keeps updating something or the other  just to make the lives of the people working on it miserable.

Or you can say "Facebook has just tweaked its privacy settings" Again a company obsessed with privacy. If FB was established in India it would have been labeled as a bank. Its that safe.

Or you can say " A company X has just launched a mobile Y which has A mega pixel camera with Cg facilites , GPRS, GPS, PPM etc. Here X can be named after a God , Y can be replaced by a weird name like A3, my2 etc. And A and C can be replaced by any number that you can think of. (Remember the game "think of a number" ) .

So now you have achieved gadgetry Greatness!!! (notice the use of three exclamation marks just to show you that you are great already!!!)

Now I am pretty bored showing my greatness, this post can go on and on about ways and means to increase your rep, but as I said I am a blogger not a novelist. So go ahead flaunt your greatness!!!

Sunday, January 23, 2011


Please pick me
Like a true Indian, I was looking through some of the famous pirated websites, you know to find keys, locks, bullshit softwares and all that kind of stuff. I came across a website which was actually owned by a pirate. That's a great career shift that the man had taken. After reading his inspiring story, about how he had an epiphany of being an online pirate rather than an offline pirate, I came across a few transcripts of a meeting. I thought it to be some regular MP, SHIMPEE, talks or some principal taking bribe for getting a child admitted to Lower Nursery KG. But then a close look at it and I found names that were quite familiar: Kohli, Kirsten ( who I thought was the name of a bakra foreigner) , Virender ( who I thought was a name of a broker), Suresh ( resembles to the office boy). But then ( as a 1:00 PM local train between Fitratpur and Sewapur) It struck me. Man this is the Indian team meeting that we are talking about. I was filled with mixed emotions, where my emotions are so mixed that I get mixed into it. ( Yeah I do sound like William sometimes, Shakespeare that is!)

First I thought does Indian team hold meetings. Because taking the way they play and their current body structures, it seems that they hold Thanksgiving rather than meetings. Anyways there might be some draconian law that may have forced Indian team to hold meetings by the BCCI and they too must follow it.
As of now I got hold of some transcripts  and they are as follows: (typical answersheet beginning)

Dhoni: Ok boys the Cup is at home, so don't come up with a performance that of last World Cup or we might have to go live in West Indies for the rest of our lives. And just in case I have booked my tickets to Bermuda, so that if something goes wrong, which normally does or even a Stock market tumble, rising fuel or even onion prices, all these can really build pressure among fans and they might vent it out on us.

Yuvraj: Right on the money skipper.

Dhoni: Kya right Yuvraj you need to perform buddy, otherwise seeing your increasing waistline you may very well be on the way to become an Indian commentator.By the way, please raise your hands those who have problems facing short balls.

All hands went up, Only Rohit had his hands down.

Dhoni: Come on Rohit we all know you have problems, own it up man!

Rohit: I do, but I not only have problems facing short balls, but also red balls, white balls, wide balls, long hops, half vollyes,,,
Dhoni: Ok we understand!!! Now listen up we have three minnows in our group, it is a good way to increase your averages, show that you performed in the Cup, and earn some records, so don't let it slip through your hands. So try scoring as much as you can, who knows what is in store for you. And Sachin might not play them so you have a good chance of coming in early Got it


Dhoni: The key strategy in batting would try and score as much as you can, try clearing boundaries it would be very short almost the size of a kabaddi ground, because our fans count the number of fours and sixes hit and not the runs scored, so better start hitting. Then if we lose we can blame everything on our bowlers, including petrol and onion prices.

Zaheer: This is not fair. The pitches are going to be flat, it would be a run fest how are we going to stop these guys.

Kirsten: Well I have a plan. Nehra you are the bowler that teams from Australia to Ireland are targeting so start giving press conferences about how ready you are as a bowler. You are in the fittest shape of your life. That you are bowling at 140 in the nets. Then when the Cup starts fake an injury after Bangladesh take you to cleaners. Then wear a dejected look in your face, and we will say we missed our secret weapon.

Nehra: Yeah that seems good for me.

Kirsten: Zaheer you will have to bowl through the entire tournament, sorry no options for you. So you can start practicing from now.


Kirsten: Bhajji I cannot say anything to you, cause even God does not know which Bhajji turns up on  a given day. But please contribute with the bat.

Kirsten: Munaf you would be lucky if you get a game, so you can run around wearing that smile on your face. As it is we have to hide you in the field, so go on smiling and grinning.
And Praveen man I don't know why but for some strange reason selectors think you are an International cricketer and pick you for every match. So try bowling good off spins with the usual variations.

Praveen: But I am a fast bowler and not a spinner.

Kirsten: Yeah right we all know that, Kumble kaka bowls faster than you at this age.
And the rest pitch in with your part times and we will be through the first round. And bowlers please try and restrict teams to below 400 and our batsmen will do the job. OK

Kirsten : So lets bring the Cup home.


Sehwag: So can we start the sandwiches, I am hungry.

Kirsten: yeah you can sehwag, phew this might be the only meeting that we talked cricket. I am a brilliant strategist.

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