TEAM MEETING: INDIAN CRICKET TEAM

Please pick me

Like a true Indian, I was looking through some of the famous pirated websites, you know to find keys, locks, bullshit softwares and all that kind of stuff. I came across a website which was actually owned by a pirate. That's a great career shift that the man had taken. After reading his inspiring story, about how he had an epiphany of being an online pirate rather than an offline pirate, I came across a few transcripts of a meeting. I thought it to be some regular MP, SHIMPEE, talks or some principal taking bribe for getting a child admitted to Lower Nursery KG. But then a close look at it and I found names that were quite familiar: Kohli, Kirsten ( who I thought was the name of a bakra foreigner) , Virender ( who I thought was a name of a broker), Suresh ( resembles to the office boy). But then ( as a 1:00 PM local train between Fitratpur and Sewapur) It struck me. Man this is the Indian team meeting that we are talking about. I was filled with mixed emotions, where my emotions are so mixed that I get mixed into it. ( Yeah I do sound like William sometimes, Shakespeare that is!)

First I thought does Indian team hold meetings. Because taking the way they play and their current body structures, it seems that they hold Thanksgiving rather than meetings. Anyways there might be some draconian law that may have forced Indian team to hold meetings by the BCCI and they too must follow it.
As of now I got hold of some transcripts  and they are as follows: (typical answersheet beginning)

Dhoni: Ok boys the Cup is at home, so don't come up with a performance that of last World Cup or we might have to go live in West Indies for the rest of our lives. And just in case I have booked my tickets to Bermuda, so that if something goes wrong, which normally does or even a Stock market tumble, rising fuel or even onion prices, all these can really build pressure among fans and they might vent it out on us.

Yuvraj: Right on the money skipper.

Dhoni: Kya right Yuvraj you need to perform buddy, otherwise seeing your increasing waistline you may very well be on the way to become an Indian commentator.By the way, please raise your hands those who have problems facing short balls.

All hands went up, Only Rohit had his hands down.

Dhoni: Come on Rohit we all know you have problems, own it up man!

Rohit: I do, but I not only have problems facing short balls, but also red balls, white balls, wide balls, long hops, half vollyes,,,
Dhoni: Ok we understand!!! Now listen up we have three minnows in our group, it is a good way to increase your averages, show that you performed in the Cup, and earn some records, so don't let it slip through your hands. So try scoring as much as you can, who knows what is in store for you. And Sachin might not play them so you have a good chance of coming in early Got it

EVERYONE: YEAH

Dhoni: The key strategy in batting would try and score as much as you can, try clearing boundaries it would be very short almost the size of a kabaddi ground, because our fans count the number of fours and sixes hit and not the runs scored, so better start hitting. Then if we lose we can blame everything on our bowlers, including petrol and onion prices.

Zaheer: This is not fair. The pitches are going to be flat, it would be a run fest how are we going to stop these guys.

Kirsten: Well I have a plan. Nehra you are the bowler that teams from Australia to Ireland are targeting so start giving press conferences about how ready you are as a bowler. You are in the fittest shape of your life. That you are bowling at 140 in the nets. Then when the Cup starts fake an injury after Bangladesh take you to cleaners. Then wear a dejected look in your face, and we will say we missed our secret weapon.

Nehra: Yeah that seems good for me.

Kirsten: Zaheer you will have to bowl through the entire tournament, sorry no options for you. So you can start practicing from now.

Zaheer: AAWWWWWW!

Kirsten: Bhajji I cannot say anything to you, cause even God does not know which Bhajji turns up on  a given day. But please contribute with the bat.

Kirsten: Munaf you would be lucky if you get a game, so you can run around wearing that smile on your face. As it is we have to hide you in the field, so go on smiling and grinning.
And Praveen man I don't know why but for some strange reason selectors think you are an International cricketer and pick you for every match. So try bowling good off spins with the usual variations.

Praveen: But I am a fast bowler and not a spinner.

Kirsten: Yeah right we all know that, Kumble kaka bowls faster than you at this age.
And the rest pitch in with your part times and we will be through the first round. And bowlers please try and restrict teams to below 400 and our batsmen will do the job. OK
EVERYONE: YEAH

Kirsten : So lets bring the Cup home.

EVERYONE: YEAH

Sehwag: So can we start the sandwiches, I am hungry.

Kirsten: yeah you can sehwag, phew this might be the only meeting that we talked cricket. I am a brilliant strategist.

HOCK-EYE

(Yeah I copied the title from TOI what are you gonna do, book me for diving)

After the Indian exit from the hockey world cup its time for some out of the D thinking (I would have called it box if it was about soccer).

Five things Mr. Gill besides politicking, nepotism, corruption, playing the blame game and the ruining one of the best teams that the world has seen should do to up their hockey game:

1. Instead of looking for hockey players in the domestic hockey team ( I don’t know if it exists) better look for it in the IPL, with T20 going great guns batsman are more keen on playing drag-flicks, taps over third man, or the falling away scoop (McCullum style) rather than our glances and drives. It seems sometimes they have been trained under Dhyan Chand Hockey Academy rather than NCA.

2. Look for them in our day time soaps, with so many twists and turns every day these so called stars can wriggle out of any defense be it Germans or the Dutch.

3. Go for students of IIT, I think they would have better sense of angles and quadrants rather than our hockey players.

4. Go for our chess players they are one of the best in the world, atleast they will not have any concentration lapses on field. (Phew how could you have concentration lapses when you are playing a world cup game)

5. Go for our soccer players atleast they know how to lose and be extremely gracious about it or even not giving any false promises of winning the world cup.

SPORTS-A-MANIA

Now its that time of the year when nobody has really anything interesting to do. Its July and you have all the sports coming to a halt. All the seasons whether it is NFL,NHL, PHL or FA League everything has come to a grinding halt. You have people especially sports buffs like me and having nothing more important to do asking for more. The cricketing season has just shifted gears onto the test mode where all the nations are busy playing the purest form of cricket . After six months or so of pyjama cricket some sanity has prevailed. You have two big transfer deals almost complete. That of Kaka and Ronaldo. Amidst so much sports one cannot help but miss the Confederstion Cup. You almost would have missed the Wimbledon was it not that Federer would have reached the finals and gotten through. You had the poor American Roddick getting thrashed quite gracefully by the great man. You had almost everyone in the tennis world present there to witness the greatest man ever to play tennis . Before this you had India defending the T20 cup as though they had been forced to do so. Before that you had the IPL spanning almost 40 days. With this edition not generating the same fanfare as before.

Just when you thought that cricket was over we have the Ashes where Australia had some extra practice on English conditions following their early exit from the tournament. After Ashes it’s the Champions Trophy following which there is Champions League T20, followed by IPL again and then another T20 World Cup. Really ICC should do something about it, otherwise how will John Abraham give us more horrendous expressions from his usually docile face.

August is the beginning of the EPL , the Spanish premira and the Italian league followed by the world cup of soccer next year. Boy I am sweating as I write this . As you come out of this in between you have the AustralianOpen followed by the U.S. and then the French and the Wimbledon where Federer would win his 16^th Grand Slam. If between this you are considering the F1 race that is around 18 then you better not switch your Television off . With so many sports channels working around , you just cannot take your eyes off. If hypothetically you consider the eight F1 teams break-off and create their won Ivy League then again you have another 18 races with some of them held in India.

So if you are a sports fan my advice to you would be shut the hell up and cut your cable televisions otherwise you just cant take your eyes off this one.