HOCK-EYE

(Yeah I copied the title from TOI what are you gonna do, book me for diving)

After the Indian exit from the hockey world cup its time for some out of the D thinking (I would have called it box if it was about soccer).

Five things Mr. Gill besides politicking, nepotism, corruption, playing the blame game and the ruining one of the best teams that the world has seen should do to up their hockey game:

1. Instead of looking for hockey players in the domestic hockey team ( I don’t know if it exists) better look for it in the IPL, with T20 going great guns batsman are more keen on playing drag-flicks, taps over third man, or the falling away scoop (McCullum style) rather than our glances and drives. It seems sometimes they have been trained under Dhyan Chand Hockey Academy rather than NCA.

2. Look for them in our day time soaps, with so many twists and turns every day these so called stars can wriggle out of any defense be it Germans or the Dutch.

3. Go for students of IIT, I think they would have better sense of angles and quadrants rather than our hockey players.

4. Go for our chess players they are one of the best in the world, atleast they will not have any concentration lapses on field. (Phew how could you have concentration lapses when you are playing a world cup game)

5. Go for our soccer players atleast they know how to lose and be extremely gracious about it or even not giving any false promises of winning the world cup.

MANAGEMENT OLOGY

Some really cool management names for some of the most unethical things in life.

Groups of people promoting plagiarism through visually stimulating techniques and multimedia effects and showing excellent command over language just to state the obvious:-PRESENTATIONS

Groups of people shamelessly performing the act of mud-slinging, character assassination and destructive criticism: INDIVIDUAL FEEDBACK.

Groups of people engaging in healthy backstabbing, unhealthy competition and social loafing: A DYNAMIC TEAM

Groups of people discussing cricket, bollywood, surfing, for a fortnight and a half and slogging like donkeys for a week: EFFECTIVE DEADLINE COMPLETION

Groups of people engaging in gossips, rumor spinning mills to project something positive in a really negative way: WHISTLE BLOWING

Groups of people indulging in scathing remarks, killer statements and being the most unappreciative of somebody’s hard work just to show lame superiority: PERFORMANCE APPRAISAL

Groups of people engaging in discussing the most irrelevant matter in a sophisticated manner, keeping timers, using resources, showing utter disrespect to other people’s personal time just to go round and round the matter and not even coming close to discussing the irrelevant matter at hand and finally after all these unanimously deciding that it was irrelevant and is documented. BRAINSTORMING

Groups of people engaging in threat calls, legal threats and any other kinds of intangible or tangible threats: MOTIVATION

Groups of people showing shameless flattery like laughing at poor jokes, laughing louder at poorer jokes, taking sides, losing all sense of dignity or self respect just to be the “yes-sir” kind of guys to their superiors: MAINTAINING GOOD RELATIONS WITH SUPERIORS

SWAN FLUE

After a long time an epidemic has hit India. Last time it was SAARS if I am not wrong and this time it is the swine flu which very intelligently pronounced as Swan flu in India’s regional languages. I think the pronunciation was deliberately done by some meat eating maniac who just could not see the plight of some swines getting killed by some activists especially PETA. This similar phenomenon had happened during the chicken flu days when all the infected and non infected chickens were killed in the name of the chicken flu, or was it Avian flu anyway these days so many flus or should it be flues are coming up that it is hard to keep note of.

Again we have news channels donning the hat of Sherlock Holmes picking up the microphones and blaring out in your T.V, set that Swine Flu is here and it is here to stay. Atleast the BMC (Bombay’s Principal Culprit ) doesnot get the blame and for once the poor drainage system is not crucified by the news channels because they are all too busy investigating the rates of masks that have shot up due to the ongoing swine flu. All and all Rakhi Sawant would be quite sad because all publicity is going straight to the swine instead of her.

I personally think that this is natures backlash. For years man has eaten chicken , goats ,beefs ,swines or pork I don’t want any swine to sue me for the derogaratory use of the word swine ( oops there I go again). Now it is time for the us bad guys to have a taste of our medicine KGB style. KGB because all the swines have picked among themselves a group of suicides swines who poison themselves with the H1N1 virus and when they are eaten by us we get killed as the suicide swines are martyrs in their won right dieing for a cause of their existence.

But vegetarians do not rejoice because you too could be in for a scare. What if the methis and the caulis decide for a suicide mission then even you could end up in doldrums . Why don’t plants and vegetables eat sleep and and respire like me. (ME, because I perform only these primary functions during my entire day and still after meeting an expert botanist I was certified a living organism). So where does it leave us not eating plants like cows and not eating animals like animals hard to say but just think about it.

PERSPECTIVES OF A DANGEROUS MIND

The human mind has generally three perspectives to a singular situation. It could be a positive perspective, a negative perspective or a practical perspective. I would like to quote a very famous aphorism “I am neither an optimist nor a pessimist but I am a realist”.

Now lets leave all that aside and concentrate on the human psychology alone. Whenever the human mind takes up something like a task to be done or a work to be done it goes through all the three above mentioned perspective. The transition that takes place among the different perspective is what makes this post worth reading. Let me give illustration to explain my point of view or POV as it is called. These are day to day situations that we lazy species on the face of earth face and how we citing these three perspectives start accelerate and end up doing things.

Instance 1

Optimist: I am going to hit the gym the first thing from tomorrow.

Realist: Working out in the morning is not that fruitful as survey shows that evening work outs produce quicker and better results.

Pessimist: Working out in the gym consists of lifting weights and endurance training which leads to the body bulking up hence running and skipping is the way to go I am going to run tomorrow.

Instance 2

Optimist: I am going to run from tomorrow and I have set my eyes on Usain Bolt he is my inspiration.

Realist: I have knocked knees, flat foot and don’t what hence running can only aggravate my problems. (Man you should be a lawyer)

Pessimist: Running could lead to exhaustion and that affects my performance at work hence from its dieting for me.

Instance 3

Optimist: I am going on a diet from today.

Realist: But it would not be a instant one as it could lead to amnesia and sometimes unconsciousness

Pessimist: Dieting is dangerous to health and it can cause the swollen arteries , hence it could cause low blood pressure hence I would say to hell with dieting. I am going to gym from tomorrow.

And hence the cycle continues…..

ZERO PRODUCIVITY

Zero productivity work, an entirely new concept discovered by me while I have nothing productive to do. Now some people might wonder what actually is zero productive work. Some might even argue how can work yield zero productivity. But actually its definition is quite simple. When you work and you do not gain anything by doing that work either physically emotionally or meta physically or alpha biologically or gamma chemically or theta mathematically ( it was meant to confuse) then we call such kind of bullshit a zero productivity work. Let me discuss a few instances with you on this entirely strange concept.

1. Blogging. This is the first and most useless thing that almost every Joe takes up with a singular selfish motive that is to earn money. Now although we all are aware of the fact that we all are dumb at writing stuff and that even trained and professional writers do not earn much. Still we have that Shakespeare in us who tells us to write or not to write. They all take heart from the great Labnol, thinking they can make it big too. Sadly in just a few months the Shakespeare in us becomes a shaken spear. I have seen way too many blogs which starts with great posts then after a while due to dryness of ideas they turn to time.com or news.com do a CCP (Cut Copy Paste) of the first page along with the photos and shamelessly promote plagiarism on their blogs. If the guy still has some originality left in him then he starts posting about what he did from Monday to Sunday from morning to evening and other silly stuff. Now if you are writing it has to have a target audience, what is the point of letting other people know that you cut out newspapers and make shapes of dogs and monkeys out of it. You are making a monkey out of yourselves by doing that. Then you have people cooking something and putting pictures of that on their blogs. I had seen a guy putting photos of burgers on his blog. Wow! Burgers that is indeed a divine cuisine!. If the guy is still more lazy to write then he starts posting posts containing the photos of nearby post offices to public toilets to I do not know what all stuff. You have camera phones so freely available that you have “Click when you talk policy” (IDEA ad ). He keeps on clicking all the useless stuff and then posts the entire shit collection on his blog.

2. Social networking sites. Now this is the greatest and the dumbest thing that people today are hooked to. Now it makes sense that you might have joined any one of the social networking sites because you need to catch up with your friends after college or after school or who lives abroad but what is the point in joining and registering a whole dozen of them . Like you have orkut, facebook ,MySpace which are quite famous. But then you have a lot of useless other networking sites like the newest craze Twitter, Bebo, Lobo, gikeo, chambu , damphas, and I don’t know how many of them. And you have your inbox of your only email id full from your silly friends who constantly poke you tweet you treat you beat you murder you expunge you decimate you tag you from all the different sites that they might have joined. Don’t they have other better stuff to do , you are left to wonder. Even then you accept their invitation and join such sites because you are afraid you might get left behind. If such sites are not enough then you have crazy application that they run on their sties. Like lets measure your brain size or The Elvis presley test or the Hollywood test in which you have score of different guys being posted on it. You start to compare it then you are sure that you too have joined in the rat race.
Anyways I have no special grudge against any of these networking sites or blogging because I also belong to that elite class of technocrats (as they like to call themselves) but think about it is worth it?

RECESSION BLUES

Now at this moment of time you have the whole world talking about recessions,take-over,bankruptcy etc. But the problem is how do we know that recession is around. We don’t watch CNN neither we work at GM. We have no company to take-over nor a company to be taken over by our poor Indian government. We have just voted for a long standing government and we believe that it will take care of the recession in India as we have its leader a lecturer from Cambridge in economics. For us whether India is doing well or not depends on how our stock markets are performing and an occasional glance at the GDP. That too we only know its good if it is around 8% as China maintains that. So how do we the insolent, ignorant people, rustic from the backwaters of a Third world country know it is recession. Well do not fear cause the expert is here. Here are signs if you notice this around you know it is recession.

1.Your daily rag-picker carries a Satyam, Wipro, Cognizant, TCS identity card. No he is not flashing a style statement nor is he emotionally attached to the company. But he is actually a recruited guy waiting for his appointment letter.
2.You find a General Motors or a Satyam hoarding in your garbage. Or you might find your son using those hoardings as stumps during gully-cricket.
3.You find I luv GM,I luv Satyam coffee mugs, flash-drives, T-shirts at Sunday Bazaar, Revdi Bazaar, Mohammad Ali Road, Chor Bazaar and don’t know how many other Bazaars. Caution : The above listed products will not be found at Big Bazaar because Big Bazaar is one of the items kept for sale at Chor Bazaar.
4.You will find people writing more posts on blogspot. They have no useful thing to do.
5.You will find scraps from those guys that have never scrapped you or poked you or tweeted you , I don’t know what those mean but suddenly such occurrences increase and you say Whoa! Duggu, he still remembers me.
6.You find that your resume cannot be accepted at any of the company websites because their server is overloaded with them.
7.You find some guy coming in the night and knocking at your door and asking “Walk-ins chalu hai kya?”. This is insane.
8.Suddenly you find that there are youngsters working in all the kirana stores, mom and pop stores, grocery stores (sabzi mandi ,I had to be subtle), hair saloon (hajaam ki dukan, again I had to subtle) etc. You think the trends of the western countries are picking up in India where children for their education but one more look at the person at the grocery stores and you say “Yeh to wahi ladka hai jisne IIT clear kiya tha” And you are left to wonder.
9.You will find parents of engineering students exclaiming that “Mene kaha tha ki Mechanical engineer mechanic banta hai, electrical engineer electrician banta hai aur computer engineer dono bante hai i.e.(mechanic and electrician).
10.Sadly the author cannot find the 10th sign because he is a computer engineer and on the keyboard he cannot the find the number 10.