Life's Ironies

Recently I have noticed bow life is full of ironies, (he most common way to start a post but sadly I have to start it this way whether you like it or not ). You would have often noticed that as students we have to bear the brunt of the most psychopathic individuals that have laid foot on this earth. But the irony is not that, it is how a particular subject can very much mould the character of a person. I think experts who study human behavior according to environmental change will agree to my following theory. A subject or a course which a particular person teaches very much moulds his character, his life-style, his dressing, his walk and talk, his attitude towards life etc.

To let me prove my point let me cite a few examples ( cite not give , you will know the difference if you have studied chemistry ) . Ever notice your physical instructor at your school and by schools I mean most Indian schools. Because I do not know much about other countries who have NFL players as coaches to students or ex-basketball player who was caught doing drugs during his career and has been relegated to this position by life the great teacher. But here in India you will find the physical instructor to be the most unfit person in the school , he chews tobacco speaks bad or broken , disjoint, disparate English, flaunts a family super saver pack and beats you like a local hawaldar if you do not listen to his broken , disjoint, disparate English. While on the playground he would probably tell a student to get a stool for him to sit and tell him to run otherwise he would beat the crap out of him. He perches himself like Buddha under the shade of tree with a whistle in his hand. And any kind of misbehavior on the ground leads to severe punishment like lifting him from his stool getting beaten up by him , he beats the crap out of you just to get the blood flow going in his body.

Then you will have your math teacher a guy who most probably will have receding hair line. This increases his ability to think better as his head is an open book. He will usually be the most unorganized, confused person in the world and will make math for you as confusing as it possibly can be. He loves the number but will keep forgetting your name hence you will be probably be known by your number like a jail kaidi . Then he when the math gets heavy will probably dish out cold number jokes. Like 2 times Reena (roll no 2) is equal to 1 Suresh ( roll no 4). If you put A (roll no 6) in a square you will get B (roll no 36)

Then you will have your biology madam because subjects related to medical and paramedical are preferred mostly by the ladies. (They simply love cramming). They are like Matrix’s Keanu Reeves who like a hard disk stores anything and everything. The ultimate irony is that they hate violent movies but they absolutely like cutting human corpses and studying them for the sake of it. They cannot see a bird dying but they can work at a morgue with a damn dead body. They should be featured in the most dangerous jobs in the world show on NatGeo . They like to cut through intestines, spleen and don’t know what else stuff. They make friends with the dead corpses and call humans as subject, specimen or a sample (how cold).

I think in a way I have proved my point here. Of course this theory is open to discussion and can be contributed with better examples like the history lecturer being the most boring of them, literature professor being the most abstract of them but come on now I am writing a post here not a book.

The I-DAY RUT

Independence Day or the I-day, the hippie likes to call it is here and gone by the night. Yet does it hold a special day for us Indians, especially for our generation who have seen a free India since their birth. Well going by my experience it is nothing but a routine holiday for us where we like to enjoy the day off. Well do not consider me to be any anti- Indian guy because lets face it that’s the truth. We only know the names of the Kranti-veers because we are forced to remember it during our history lessons in school. Its nothing bad because we have not experienced their struggle or shared their passion to see free India. All we have heard is that “"Angrezo ke zamane mein yeh hota tha or woh hota tha par kya hota tha who baad me jaye” Yes that’s true and we have to live by it.

Let me share with you the typical day an average Indian family goes through during the I-day. First of all the father gets up grumpy because he has to send his bloody kids to school for flag hoisting. He hates it because this MNC guy has just got his probably only leave for the year. Why do bloody school people have to open the schools on this day. Probably because they get summer and diwali vacations hence they do not know the value of a holiday . Damn this lazy Indian education system and damn entire academics sector who do not prepare their children for the real world which I am now experiencing.

The child gets up thinking “Shit why do I have to get up on a holiday and why did the bloody principal declare a holiday on this day when they are being called on this day. The kid is right technically. He has to get up go to school on a holiday. Now if you take the typical Indian school I-day you will see grumpy parents taking their kids to school who on this day have to stand like jerks for two hours in the hot sun just to see the flag unfurl (I could do this at home). The two hours at school is total punishment even if you are MNC guy. You have to see your most boring teacher giving the mother of all boring lectures on Indian history, culture and Krantiveer and all that stuff. And if you notice this most damned and unanimously hated lecture is to be given by the most boring monotonous teacher of your school. Then you have some chief guest who would be most probably be a school alumni and who like a college student being ragged wants to inflict the same pain and agony that he had experienced during his school days. He is applauded at his every momentary silence, cough or any sign of emotion or exhilaration that he shows which suggests that he is nearing the end of his lecture. He even points out that he understands that you are bored but somehow he is enjoying your situation.

After the chief guests sits down you have the class topper reading some verses of Khurran, Bible or Gita depending on the level of torture, it has to be just right or else you might die. Moreover adding insult to injury he explains that stuff to you. Then adding injury to your insult you have your parents comparing you with him. After all this you have two words from the principal vice principal the secretary the treasurer the clerk which extends the two hour torture to a agonizing four hour one. You get restless you start making moves , sounds , howls then eventually screams, but to no avail” bolne aaya hoon to bolke hi rahunga” This is where the average Indian starts learning to disrespect other people and starts to strive to be the worst human the world has seen.

After this four hour ordeal, there comes the mother of all ironies. The bloody chief guest gets to hoist the flag. Come on now we are the martyrs here we have spent our blood sweat tears to make this event possible unlike our Lok Sabha members who stage a walk out during such situations. We are the Krantiveers not the damn chief guest, Anyways we are just too happy to revolt like in 1857 so now we are good to go.

SWAN FLUE

After a long time an epidemic has hit India. Last time it was SAARS if I am not wrong and this time it is the swine flu which very intelligently pronounced as Swan flu in India’s regional languages. I think the pronunciation was deliberately done by some meat eating maniac who just could not see the plight of some swines getting killed by some activists especially PETA. This similar phenomenon had happened during the chicken flu days when all the infected and non infected chickens were killed in the name of the chicken flu, or was it Avian flu anyway these days so many flus or should it be flues are coming up that it is hard to keep note of.

Again we have news channels donning the hat of Sherlock Holmes picking up the microphones and blaring out in your T.V, set that Swine Flu is here and it is here to stay. Atleast the BMC (Bombay’s Principal Culprit ) doesnot get the blame and for once the poor drainage system is not crucified by the news channels because they are all too busy investigating the rates of masks that have shot up due to the ongoing swine flu. All and all Rakhi Sawant would be quite sad because all publicity is going straight to the swine instead of her.

I personally think that this is natures backlash. For years man has eaten chicken , goats ,beefs ,swines or pork I don’t want any swine to sue me for the derogaratory use of the word swine ( oops there I go again). Now it is time for the us bad guys to have a taste of our medicine KGB style. KGB because all the swines have picked among themselves a group of suicides swines who poison themselves with the H1N1 virus and when they are eaten by us we get killed as the suicide swines are martyrs in their won right dieing for a cause of their existence.

But vegetarians do not rejoice because you too could be in for a scare. What if the methis and the caulis decide for a suicide mission then even you could end up in doldrums . Why don’t plants and vegetables eat sleep and and respire like me. (ME, because I perform only these primary functions during my entire day and still after meeting an expert botanist I was certified a living organism). So where does it leave us not eating plants like cows and not eating animals like animals hard to say but just think about it.