When Aliens attack

(Inspired by the award winning novel Hitch hikers Guide to Galaxy)

What would happen if earth suddenly gets attacked by those little bloody green things. Think about it. Well don't think about it , I will do the thinking for you. Well as a net savvy guy I would rather focus my attention towards the online version of the thought. Well you will have a flurry of updates, tweets and pokes in the cyber world. And what would that be? Well here is an excerpt from it.

Just saw a saucer the size of ma house! Cool!

Hey what's the thing with the red lights, Is Pakistan finally waging a war with us.

Wow! talked to a green guy, Couldn't understand a thing, Pretty lame huh!!!!!

Shooting of new Speilberg flick right in front of ma house! Is Angelina Jolie coming. Still MR. Speilberg flying saucers are so cliche""

All set The end is nighe.

The green little guy has a lazer ray gun burnt ma school. Holidays Yipeee!!1

10 things I want to do Before I get burnt by a laser ray gun.......

Just saw a shooting star, wished Brazil took the Cup!!!

A cigar, a beer and my bike that's all I need to end ma life and rite now i m enjoyin it

Need to finish "Lost" final season before I go Adios }

Who the hell said Aliens are primitive:

Shot a saucer with my anti-tank gun. Really

@Indian PM: WE shall not tolerate this mishcief from Pakistan

@Microsoft: We shall now make Windows Aliens compatible Windows Green.

@Apple: i-LIENS now at a store near you.

@IBM:Software solutions for the aliens near you, because they rule us.

@Warren Buffet: The fundamentals of Planet Gregatorium look pretty strong.

@ Richard Branson: Talks going for the that bloody hotel in moon.

@Vijay Mallya: LIKE @BRanson

@Lalit Modi: We shall consider the green things for the next IPL auction.

@Johnny Depp: Creatures very similar to my character Jack Sparrow.

@Formula One: Saucer engines shall be disallowed for the coming season.

@Google: Buy Advertisements space on flying saucer. And launching Google Space (beta version) shortly.

@Bloody Green Thing: One more update and I shall suck your earth dry, bloody Earthlings.

@ME: Dont give a damn.

DOn'ts of A PSYCHOPATHIC KILLER

I am a pshycopathic killer who has been talked into by my victim the owner of the blog to write a post for this blog. Please don't ask me how the OWNER of the blog got me into this, but here I am writing for him. Actually I wanted to kill him, but I found him to be very interesting and a smooth talker, I think he should be some salesman or something but who cares I just want to write a bloody post and get outta here before my next victim completes his shower. You see I like to kill people when they are showering, really increases my brand equity.

Now the problem is that what should a man who kills three times a day write about. Hence as suggested by the owner of the blog that I should talk about the real practical problems that a psychopathic killer faces when he kills three times. Hence I would like the readers to take the following precautions when a psyhcopathic killer visits your home.

1. You shall shower three times a day, you see it maintains hygiene and gives me more chance to kill some of you guys. It really feels bad when I have to kill you in your sleep, it damages my brand equity as I mentioned before.

2. You shall at all times keep a sharp, sterilised knife at your house so that some days when my knife loses its edge after killing so many people I can use yours without hesitation.

3. Please put some light music preferably Jagjeet Singh so that it is easier for you to go into the night.

4. Keep your bathrooms clean I hate to work in dirty places.

5. Always before entering the shower say your last rites or prayers you never know when I might strike.

6. Please avoid having pets at home it hurts to send an innocent animal to hell

7. Please avoid smoking in your bath tubs because I am allergic to smoke.

8. Please avoid going into the shower full stomach cause sometimes when I am drunk, I tend to miss your heart and hit your stomach and many times your intestines get tangled into my blade hence with all that food on it, it really aids in corrosion so please have your food after your shower.

9. Please ensure clean towels and anti-bacterial liquid at your bathroom, it really aids in having clean blades.

10. And please don't have mobile phones at your bathroom where you try to call the police and I have to break your expensive phones, really it hurts the economy.

Hence these are the don'ts by a cold-blooded killer, so take care of this and death will come easier to you. And by the way this might just be the last post for this owner cause I have decided to kill this so called blogger. As it is he ain't got much visitors. Ok Bye Lov U guys.

 

SHOOT OVERDOSE

Shoot has been one of the overused words in recent history. It basically means killing something with a bloody shotgun. But in a more sophisticated manner it means TO CONVEY YOUR IDEAS. People like to use it anywhere and everywhere. Silly words like this really are being used to simply reinforce the fact that the person using these words is a cool guy. This is the Americanisation of the language. Yes it is good but sometimes we use it so much that it really makes no sense of the word.




For example

You have an idea then shoot it. ( should I convey the idea or really shoot it)



You want to shoot something? Okay go ahead and shoot it. ( Please take care it is not an endagered species)



Shoot whatever you want but shoot it real fast. ( I can't shoot it any faster because the gun has a bullet released/trigger pressed of 2. Maybe I could use two guns)



Sometimes poeple like to combine one silly word with another just for the fun for it.



For example

Shoot the shit out of your mouth. ( Hey I can shit only from one place)



Shoot yourself if you can't shoot better than this. (Where is the gun I want to end here and now, Thank you cruel world for making me do this)



Shoot what you can hit. ( here shoot and hit both mean the same thing, Research is still is going on about this phrase)



You can shoot whatever you like but it ain't hitting me. (Yeah I need to improve my static target hitting skills)



Don't shoot in the dark( you might reduce the tiger's population to 1410)



Shooting ain't your game. ( Yeah I think blowing buildings off is more to my like it)



Shoot one more thing and I am literally shooting you. ( Oh yeah try me, I have mastered moving target hitting)

The SECOND STRINGER

Second string

Second String Second String

Does it sound any ring

we are the second strings

We remain on the fringes

We play like hell

We work like hell

But still remain second

why leave us out being reckoned.

We may be second, but are second to none,

We are bloody workers we won't rest till the work is done,

Then why this prejudice

Why this injustice

To the people who remain second string

First team falters, are given chances,

We falter are thrown dirty glances,

What need we do to become the first team

Why are they played even though they lose steam,

Why risk losing

It is better than taking a shot at winning

We are firebred, we are baptised by fire

Still why being neglected to hire

Why do all first teamers have to be the second stringers first

Why can't people see the second stringers thirst,

All said and done I hope I don't

Get lost in the oblivion as a second stringer.

RICHES TO RAGS STORY

How to become a beggar in 10 easy ways:




1. Buy a stake in the Indian football clubs in the ONGC-I league. It’s a great way to lose money.



2. Try buying the stocks listed on the Economic Times. They are good at convincing you to throw your money.



3. Do an MBA from any damn college in India, they charge high but give nothing in return.



4. Try betting on the Indian cricket team for the next April’s T20 World Cup.



5. Turn into an all vegetarian diet, the foodflation is such you are bound to lose a lot of liquidity in liquidizing your stomach.



6. Start your mobile phone company you will be crushed under the competition.


7. Try selling original software in the Indian market.


8. Join Kapil Dev’s ICL.


9. Set up a turn key project in Bihar, boy that sure is gonna succeed.


10. Bet all your money on this blog hitting the 1000 mark in the next fiscal year.

LIFE :-> A DOG's PERPECTIVE

Live like a dog , die like a dog

This is my memoir: - a bloody hardcore street-dog. Yes we dogs too have a memoir. I would like to thank the owner of this blog , a good friend whom I have chased a hell lot of times, for giving me this opportunity to write my painful story. Sorry I don’t have the time or space to write my painful story as told by the owner of the blog by throwing a stone on my face. Later in this post I would refer to him as just the “OWNER” Hence you as great readers have missed the chance of witnessing some of the tragic stories of all time. What an idiot this OWNER is? Still I would like to share with you my daily routine.
Sorry for the language we dogs don’t care much about that stuff. It is hard to bark in your mind and then write on MS office.

I get up early as 10 a.m. After a hell lot of chasing, the dog’s tired. He needs his sleep. Hence the first thing I do after getting up is pick-up fights with the nice homely dogs that they call “Thorough bred”. These are the dogs usually accompanied by oldies, and cute girlies. Both of whom cannot control a dog, who does nothing but walks on earth like he has never seen land, garbage and dirt before. Boy I live for that shit. These specially taken care or “Trained” dogs (sarcasm intended) move around like a misguided missile without a sense of direction here and there smelling everything from trees to plants to puddle (oh what immature little dogs). I don’t blame them they are so well kept and well-fed that they really have never stepped outside in the sun.

Among these trained dogs are also categories. The first is the Pomerian: the white furry little devil. I don’t why this species has been classified under dogs. Cause you know man I think this a cat with a lot of bloody fur on. Scared as hell he walks as if he just seen Scooby Doo. I have a large gang man. ME with other filthy dogs really scare the little man, he justs hopes that he dies soon enough.
Then the second to come is the German Shepherd. A hunter’s dog they say. But no match for us road-dogs. We are the scrappiest of them all. You might be pure breed but we are the strong breed. He might be lion at home but on the streets you better watch your paw, else you gonna see what the saying “Fight in the dog means”.
Then there are other undogly dogs who put us hard steelers to shame. They think that they real smart, but what do they know that in the street it is the street smart that wins.

Come noon and its time for the dogs nap. He hates it when some damn kid throws pebbles at the dog, when he is asleep. IT really pisses the lamp-post outta me. And yeah one warning to you readers don’t mess with the dog’s tail, its sort of a sympbol of pride for us dogs, you mess with it we mess with you. You don’t mess with it still we mess with you. Coz after all we dogs have our way.

Then comes the night, the most exciting time of ma day. I chase cars, chase bikes, chase men, chase everyone. I become Bond of Quantum of Solace. You got that real smart quip. Cars are the most favourite, that one time I chased an SUV, the driver got so scared that he hit a tree. Later the cops found out that there was cocaine stashed in the hood. Ma’s happiest day of life. Done something for the country. Sent application for the president’s medal , was rejected , Bloody beauracrats. Then at late midnight the real stuff begins. We at gang war with rival gangs over territory. We don’t want any dog to get into our territory and eat our food, drink our water, get dirty in our mud, chase our cars, chase our bikes. Got that really pisses the man off!!.

WE like crocs really territorial. Occassionally we do get cats in our territory but only with the permission of the man. See we dogs do have hearts. And lastly the OWNER is now really mad at the man he is comin with a stick so gotta go, if I get time I will publish ma book and may even win the Poker Prize or is it the Booker Prize. Anyways gotta go.