TEAM MEETING: INDIAN CRICKET TEAM

Please pick me

Like a true Indian, I was looking through some of the famous pirated websites, you know to find keys, locks, bullshit softwares and all that kind of stuff. I came across a website which was actually owned by a pirate. That's a great career shift that the man had taken. After reading his inspiring story, about how he had an epiphany of being an online pirate rather than an offline pirate, I came across a few transcripts of a meeting. I thought it to be some regular MP, SHIMPEE, talks or some principal taking bribe for getting a child admitted to Lower Nursery KG. But then a close look at it and I found names that were quite familiar: Kohli, Kirsten ( who I thought was the name of a bakra foreigner) , Virender ( who I thought was a name of a broker), Suresh ( resembles to the office boy). But then ( as a 1:00 PM local train between Fitratpur and Sewapur) It struck me. Man this is the Indian team meeting that we are talking about. I was filled with mixed emotions, where my emotions are so mixed that I get mixed into it. ( Yeah I do sound like William sometimes, Shakespeare that is!)

First I thought does Indian team hold meetings. Because taking the way they play and their current body structures, it seems that they hold Thanksgiving rather than meetings. Anyways there might be some draconian law that may have forced Indian team to hold meetings by the BCCI and they too must follow it.
As of now I got hold of some transcripts  and they are as follows: (typical answersheet beginning)

Dhoni: Ok boys the Cup is at home, so don't come up with a performance that of last World Cup or we might have to go live in West Indies for the rest of our lives. And just in case I have booked my tickets to Bermuda, so that if something goes wrong, which normally does or even a Stock market tumble, rising fuel or even onion prices, all these can really build pressure among fans and they might vent it out on us.

Yuvraj: Right on the money skipper.

Dhoni: Kya right Yuvraj you need to perform buddy, otherwise seeing your increasing waistline you may very well be on the way to become an Indian commentator.By the way, please raise your hands those who have problems facing short balls.

All hands went up, Only Rohit had his hands down.

Dhoni: Come on Rohit we all know you have problems, own it up man!

Rohit: I do, but I not only have problems facing short balls, but also red balls, white balls, wide balls, long hops, half vollyes,,,
Dhoni: Ok we understand!!! Now listen up we have three minnows in our group, it is a good way to increase your averages, show that you performed in the Cup, and earn some records, so don't let it slip through your hands. So try scoring as much as you can, who knows what is in store for you. And Sachin might not play them so you have a good chance of coming in early Got it

EVERYONE: YEAH

Dhoni: The key strategy in batting would try and score as much as you can, try clearing boundaries it would be very short almost the size of a kabaddi ground, because our fans count the number of fours and sixes hit and not the runs scored, so better start hitting. Then if we lose we can blame everything on our bowlers, including petrol and onion prices.

Zaheer: This is not fair. The pitches are going to be flat, it would be a run fest how are we going to stop these guys.

Kirsten: Well I have a plan. Nehra you are the bowler that teams from Australia to Ireland are targeting so start giving press conferences about how ready you are as a bowler. You are in the fittest shape of your life. That you are bowling at 140 in the nets. Then when the Cup starts fake an injury after Bangladesh take you to cleaners. Then wear a dejected look in your face, and we will say we missed our secret weapon.

Nehra: Yeah that seems good for me.

Kirsten: Zaheer you will have to bowl through the entire tournament, sorry no options for you. So you can start practicing from now.

Zaheer: AAWWWWWW!

Kirsten: Bhajji I cannot say anything to you, cause even God does not know which Bhajji turns up on  a given day. But please contribute with the bat.

Kirsten: Munaf you would be lucky if you get a game, so you can run around wearing that smile on your face. As it is we have to hide you in the field, so go on smiling and grinning.
And Praveen man I don't know why but for some strange reason selectors think you are an International cricketer and pick you for every match. So try bowling good off spins with the usual variations.

Praveen: But I am a fast bowler and not a spinner.

Kirsten: Yeah right we all know that, Kumble kaka bowls faster than you at this age.
And the rest pitch in with your part times and we will be through the first round. And bowlers please try and restrict teams to below 400 and our batsmen will do the job. OK
EVERYONE: YEAH

Kirsten : So lets bring the Cup home.

EVERYONE: YEAH

Sehwag: So can we start the sandwiches, I am hungry.

Kirsten: yeah you can sehwag, phew this might be the only meeting that we talked cricket. I am a brilliant strategist.

VENKY THE NOBEL FALL GUY

As the news of the nobel laureate Venky comes in about his irritation towards people contacting him for networking purposes. It is not quite surprising that people now want a piece of the action hence professors , teachers and students which are “so called “ are trying to contact the great just to show off or snob off. Considering the simplicity of the man who used to cycle to work and a mere layman existence is flooded with attention of superstar its indeed asking too much to cope up with. Even after such flooding of adulation he quite modestly was back to work and complaining about people’s email flooding his mail box daily, he said he spends minimum of an hour cleaning his junk mails( hasn’t he heard about unlimited storage).

But that shows what is it like if you are famous and on top of it you are Indian, you will have so many fans just because of the sheer size of the country. They will praise you like hell which if you do something which is good according to their perspective but on the contrary they will hammer you if they find you evil in their perspective. Yeah everybody has experienced it whether its Sachin Tendulkar of Rahul Dravid or even for that case the prince himself Sourav, you had during the world cup his house being painted black but during exclusion from the national side you had riots and violence everywhere. That is what we have as Indians that we think with our hearts, have a very short term memory and tend to act on it quite impulsively.

Another thing is that why do we get excited when somebody of our origin excels using resources of some other country because its like the caretaker is more important than the one who has given birth. We have many Indians using foreign shores to excel in fields and why is that whether it is Sunita Williams or Kalpana Chawla or any other artist. We should be ashamed of ourselves that our country does not have the back up or resources to retain local talent , that such talented individuals have to leave shores to excel in their respective fields. Then these guys do well all we do clap for them after they have achieved their goals through sheer hard work we do not support them when they require us the most and after they have done their thing we are there to shower false adulation just because it is cool to do that.